threesome and moresome negotiation topic
So... I really love the energy of threesomes, but I'm not sure what's the best way to negotiate them, really. I mean, part of me wants to let it happen "naturally"... but part of me has found that to be a bad idea, because people haven't negotiated enough or discussed enough what they want. I also don't know WHO I should look at- it's been easy sexually to be the bi girl for the couple, but less so emotionally, since if I do it often I tend to get entangled. Finding 2 or more individuals to not only play with me but each other can be a juggling act, and being a semi-established couple looking for a third tends to encounter resistance.
So how does one set these things up? Any advice from your experiences? I mean, when I'm in a couple, I tend to pick the girl we play with and my boy picks the other guy, which seems to help with jealousy, so that's one thing I've found that works for me. What about you guys?
Claire
Re: threesome and moresome negotiation
For me, they happen naturally or they don't happen at all. This has been problematic 'cause it can be difficult to wedge a safer-sex conversation in when things are really fun and building and noone wants to go there, but I've gotten better at finding a good spot to insert the conversation as I've had more really fun experinces. I get entangled, too,and I'm good with that. If it turns out to be a bad thing, you send the entaglee on their merry way. My new bf and I are sorta magnets for folks who are interested in group sex, so we get propositions and sexy potential partners pretty easily. It was harder with my very shy ex-husband, as well as with my ex-girlfriend (she and I tended to be a bit intimidating). No problems with jealousy during sexual situations, so nothing to share about that. In fact, we've all had fewer problems with jealousy, in general, than most people would expect. It's not such a difficult set of emotions to deal with for us.
Teresa
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationFri,
Same as Claire, for me. Once it was out there that I liked threesomes, we had more offers than I could actually handle. It's good to be out.
Heat...
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationFri,
I'm of the mind that they should always be negotiated. Clear, concise communication of wants, desires and expectations leads to fewer problems down the road.
Once it's been negotiated as something that "CAN" happen, the "when" and the "where" and the "under what circumstances" can indeed happen naturally. It's a good balance.
And as to the "who"- well, yes, as a semi-established couple looking for a third, you're on the tougher side of the "supply and demand" equation. However, it can happen, if you are clear (but not pushy or obnoxious) in your desires, you aren't desperate (or coming off as such), and generally exude an attitude of "we're fun people, life is good with us and we are secure in ourselves and our relationship, and want to share that energy with more" rather than "gotta fuck! Gotta find a third!"
And really, no matter what, it comes down to personal chemistry between all of the intended parties. Sometimes, no matter what, it just doesn't line up. And other times, it just completely takes you by surprise.
But, in my experiences on both sides of the aisle (so to speak, as "part of couple" and "chick seeking couple")...I've always noticed that the couples who are more relaxed about the whole process tend to be those with more success.
Well, ok, and those couples who don't seem psycho or jealous or who seem to want to use you as their own sexual aid or "fantasy fulfillment device".
Teresa
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationFri,
Or that don't want to use you as a way of recapturing the magic in their own relationship. Ugh.
Yeah, relaxed and happy couples get all the fun. Word spreads, and if your chemistry is good together, it should work out ok (finding people, that is).
TheC...
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationFri,
I've always found the power dynamics with threesomes...all things aren't "equal"..I dunno about more than three people..but it's been my experience (I've had some good experiences..but with MMF rather than any other combination) that the tendency is two people gang up on the third..or pit person against the other one...and the drama...sometimes it's not worth it..
the good experiences were naturally occuring ones I've had but then I was 25 years old and well the world perspective was different when i was that age...
*B*
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationSat,
Yeah, I LOVE the threesome dynamic when it's free of jealousy and everyone is on the same page but that is a rare thing.
For me, it seems that the great FFM experiences hinge on the way the two women relate to each other. If it's good between the women and there's also chemistry for the guy, then...Whoohoo!!!
BUT when there is ANY uncertainty for either woman, then it's NOT a good experience. So I tend to avoid set-ups that are arranged by the guy and prefer to connect with the gal first to see how she feels about it.
I'm still waiting for my MMF threesome...one of these days... *fingers crossed*
TheC...
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationSat,
the MMF threesome was fun but wasn't planned -- one guy was a former roommate of mine and the other was a really good friend of mine -- both are bi...and I knew them both well -- I was pretty single at the time and I wasn't looking for that set-up...If they've approached me with it -- I probably would have said no -- that time I actually initiated it too...
MMF threesomes I don't think are common at least not a truee MMF combo -- and I meant..one tha the two guys actually touch each other -- not one with two guys having sex with one girl... that's NO FUN!.. :)
*B*
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationSat,
I would only consider an MMF threesome with two TRULY bi guys. Nothing is hotter than three people connecting equally.
Heat...
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationSat,
Exactly- that's the way I've had it (several times), and it's wonderful! I refuse to be in a sexual situation with two men who aren't both bi- I'm not into that "dude, sorry I touched your dick, I'm not GAY or anything" sort of dick-jockeying.
Kristin
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationSat,
Alas, I have never experienced this! I've had some wonderful WWM experiences, but I do wish I could have a great MMW one as well. My primary is not at all homophobic but also not really bi, so I'm accepting that unless we meet *just* the right guy, it's not likely to happen.
Oh, and I wanted to add that I totally agree with the comment above about how WWM really only works if the women are connected.
Purr...
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationSat,
::shrug::
I did a few mfm threesomes in which the two guys were straight but not awkward about touching each other, and it was way fun! I think that while it can be fun to have all three playing together, it doesn't have to be so to make it entertaining for all-- they certainly enjoyed themselves, and I, well, I loved it.
Spartca
87 Re: threesome and moresome negotiationSun, March 4, 2007 - 3:41 PM
Yeah I've enjoyed MFM threesomes both ways - where the guys were into each other, and when they were only focused on the woman, and it's hot any way you slice it in my experience... as long as there is an understanding up front about what the boundaries, capabilities, and fantasies are in the scene, it's all good for me! :)
Pat
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationMon,
done several mfm over the years. none where the guys were bi. it was ... intense being the center of attention of two skilled lovers at the same time.
Topper
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationMon,
Hi, I'm new here. I live with two women, and all of us are into each other. This is, we live in a house, and threesomes happen frequently. The main key we have had in keeping things stable has been communication. No secrets, trust is our mainstay.
Look for honesty in your potential partners. When the topic comes up(no pun intended) be frank about everything. Fewer emotional bruises that way.
Never been in a MFM threeway, but am way more open minded than most folks who know me might think.
Newt
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationTue,
I've had MMM 3 ways. One where we planned it all out and another one where it just happened. The one I planned out was with friends who were then a couple and the one that just happened was at a party.
The most important thing is COMMUNICATION (I cannot stress this enough). I talk to both partners and find out what they are/aren't into and tell them what I'm into/not into. We discuss safer sex, our histories, and test results.
I also ask them if they've done this sort of thing before, I observe how they are in their relationship with each other (like if it's a stable relationship, I don't want to be a homewrecker), and the people who I have 3 ways with I tend to be friends with first and want to stay friends with afterwards, or if two men did want me as a 3rd partner/boyfriend I'd be OK with that too.
Avena
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationThu,
Don't have experience in this arena as of yet though there is a couple that is interested in my partner and I that we're enjoying getting to know better. They are poly and the female of the couple is bi so we'll see if anything further develops ;)
Isot...
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationThu,
All my threesomes (all MMF) have been situations where the other two people were a couple, and I was close friends with one of them. So all the negotiation was pretty much more done by that person with me, and with their partner (whom I had a much weaker connection to). That worked out fine, though I did miss out on really feeling close to both people. And the couples where I've been close friends with both people haven't been into playing.
On a separate note, I'm surprised at the women here who seem to be having so much trouble finding two bi guys for MMF threesomes. I'm pretty sure there's not a shortage!
TheC...
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationThu,
I think the reason why it might be the case is that
a) women tend to not admit that they may enjoy MM sex
b) I think it's part of the backlash with men demanding/wanting/asking/desire/watch FF sex
For instance the demographic of viewers that watched Queer as Folk were mostly women..kind of interesting?
I think men are encouraged to be one way and women aren't -- but that's a different topic of discussion.
with me... I didn't realize that I enjoy MM sex until I stumbled on it via a MMF threesome and even then it didn't hit on my the head like a brick (well I was about 25/26 at the time)..
My three cents..
Heat...
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationFri,
"I'm pretty sure there's not a shortage! "
There's always a shortage if you're picky.
A large majority of men do NOT come out as bisexual. Even if they ARE bisexual, many men keep it on the down-low, and don't announce it to the world, in a way that they are easily find-able.
Being a woman who only dates bi men, I've basically had to post ads or whatever, saying "looking for a bi guy", and then a few will come out of the woodwork, usually with stories like "most women don't understand, thank you for being into us, so great to find a woman who likes bi guys" etc etc......
I've only found a few suitable ones, in a few years of casual/semi-casual looking around!
*B*
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationSat,
I have had the same experience as HeatherLyn's.
I would have no problem fulfilling my fantasy if all I wanted was to be the center of attention with two straight guys but I want a REALLY great MMF experience and I happen to know that I *personally* enjoy it more when all three people are into each other.
Blysse
Re: threesome and moresome negotiationSun,
Hey, y'all. I want to thank you for your words of wisdom and insight on this thread. It was actually incredibly timely since it allowed me to read up on and have an ideal in mind as I went into a 3-some of my own, so that I knew, while I was in the middle of it and especially afterwards on reflection, that I was NOT being honored and respected in the manner you've delineated here.
So now you've helped to give me the strength to finally end something that was toxic and unhealthy for me, a relationship that was never going to miraculously change into one where I was honored and respected, no matter how long I hung in there and hoped...
Thank you, dear friends. I'M FREEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
Blysse
Purr...
Re: threesome and moresome negotiation Sun,
Yay! Glad this was useful to help you realize what you needed. :)
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